Critters Attack! Chows Down (Review Critters 5)
When I think about the Critters franchise of yore (originally arriving 30 years ago) I get a warm nostalgia that I want to revive. Critters Attack! is currently available on DVD and Blu-Ray. This small invasion of the furry kind; was also seen at Fantasia 2019 on July 13th. Finally, there is “Critters 5”. There’s nothing like nostalgic ’80s-infused horror movies to warm your bones.
The film serves as a Critters fan club exercise with its practical effects, original puppets, and hardly any CGI to be seen. But as a reboot, it also changes enough of the original context to be seen as a subpar copy of what I wanted from the film.
80s Horror & Critters Attack!
Critters Attack! has the highest maturity rating of all the films before it — attributed to an R-rating. It has some good gore going for it. Somehow though, it comes across as a jumbled mess of something akin to the TV series The Babysitters Club, Alien, and, Gremlins. Inside this unenthusiastic narrative are no witty quips, heroic gestures worth their salt, or crazy shenanigans of the creatures themselves. Set against a classic Critters storyline, there is just running and walking then more running and walking. In between all that running and walking, there are some Crites and a few high fives.
The 2019 Critters are joined by what I can only describe as a Furby with nails and the two pods that landed contain Crites that can be blown up with high-pitched sound. Dee Wallace’s re-introduction to the film as a Bounty Hunter makes sense continuance-wise however her name has been changed. In the original film, her name was Helen Brown and here it’s Aunt Dee. If there was some kind of hanky panky regarding copyright then just call her Bounty Hunter.
Crispy Critters
Director Bobby Miller whose previous film “The Cleanse” was one of the most abhorrently stupid films I’ve ever seen and here he helms this stinker. But with Scott Lobdell attributed to the writing alongside one of the original storyline creators Dominic Muir, I had thought perhaps there might be a few cool additions. At the very least, some funny kills or willful destruction similar to the Crite’s previous antics. I was wrong. Unless of course, I am simply no judge of what is cool and what isn’t and that is entirely possible.
Yet, it’s the core characters themselves that have some explaining to do. They are so bland and one-dimensional without any charm or charisma that if they were mayonnaise they would be anti-mayonnaise. You’d be looking at your sandwich and asking; “did I say hold the mayo?.”
What Critters Attack! has going for it is modern-day graphics, great DTS-HD sound, and a walk down a puppet-controlled horror lane. But don’t expect to laugh or have fun even when you see the park ranger getting pooped on by an owl.
I give Critters Attack!
1 where are Ug and Fran? out of 5
